Everytime I try

[There are days when you feel like writing. Something. Just about anything. But you still fall short of words. Thank you 3ww for those lovely prompts as always:) ]

Every time I try to tell myself,

Make a vain attempt at convincing myself

That I need to move on

And you're so long gone.

When I want to be rude to you,

To make sure you get your due

For having been so mean

And making me feel so lean;

You come up with another reason so filthy

Yet it makes me feel that you're guilty;

And I remember all the good that you have done,

Such that I evade another line of pun.

My heart melts,

I remove my tight buckled belts

And come back to you

To be your friend, to guide you

'Cause I feel

The wounds you have given, I can still heal

But the sacrifices you made

From my heart can never fade...

As cold as a wedge, I wonder how long this will continue

And if the good old you will ever renew!

Written for Three Word Wednesday; 3ww: buckle, evade, wedge and #112 Monday Poetry Train Revisited

The Year That Was -- 2010

What a year it has been! It started off on a happy note. And 5 days to go. It's still continuing. After a not-so-happy 2009, it was indeed a refreshingly welcome one. The one important lesson I learnt this year: You have to learn to find happiness within you. Only that form of happiness is permanent. All others are transitory. It will come, it will go.

Having learnt that, this has been one hell of a year. The year began with an awesome win at Aurangabad where all the hard work paid off. I had the two coolest moot partners in Shruti and Apoorva. And for Preeti's help with the preparations, just a thank you would never be sufficient. February saw me home for my cousin's wedding and as is always the story, a grand family reunion: three generations of the family getting together is never short of awesomeness. This was no different! March was MAD with Bangalore as I attended the Make a Difference National Conference, where I met the MADdies from all over and new friendship bonds were forged. April brought with it my 21st birthday and one of the best so far. Here's a peek! Internship time knocked the doors in May and it took me to Bombay and a month long stay at Rhea's. That insane night, courtesy, Rhea, Gauri, Hansika, Alvir, ... happened and will remain one of the best in memory! Work too couldn't have been more fun, thanks to my super-cool co-interns! June was summer time with school friends and a reunion planned. Meeting most of them after 6 years and I realised how time had passed. July to September rushed and before it even dawned on me, a Semester was over. October saw me home and November was one crazy month in Delhi. Two weeks in Pune this December and I am home for Christmas and New Years after two years in college and away. And as I am writing this, my friend just called to say that me she's planning another reunion on the 31st.

This is what I call an eventful year. Adieu 2010. Happy New Year, folks! :D

Irony

I am sure all of you have heard this. It's certainly not my original. But it's also something I couldn't stop thinking about after I came across it ...

"Finish and Complete are synonyms. Used in place of one another. However, while the right man will complete you, a wrong man may finish you!"

Ironical, how true it is?

The letter

“Dear X,

Here, I sit down under the moonlight, knowing that no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to forget you. It reminds me of the times when we would sit together and capture the essence of beauty at nightfall. Those arms of safety. Those eyes that never judged me. I miss. I smile silently to myself thinking of the time that has passed.”

Suddenly I heard a baby wail. I came back to where I was. I stopped writing. My six month old grand daughter had woken up. I needed to go. I kept to complete the letter for another day…

Written for Three Word Wednesday, 3ww: judge, nightfall, safety and Room for Romance#9

What I learnt today

I am impulsive. I have always been. I act without thought. Careful thought. That explains why I have stilettos' of the same kind in exactly the same colour maybe with a little difference in their heels, jeans of the same shade of the same brand of the same fit simultaneously bought with a difference so slight no one would ever notice, slippers which I bought together at one go and which I never wore, t-shirts of exactly the same kind in three different colours, not to forget the things I picked up from here and there which did not even find its way to my cupboard and oh! yes, this list could just go on. Endless. Ask my mum to start a lecture on how impulsive I am and if you knew her even a little, you’d wonder if you have ever seen her talk so much. That was on a lighter side. Looking back, acting impulsive always has definitely not been the best. There are many things which I would have loved to end or turn out a little differently! But that’s how it is. You learn. There have been these small instances where my impulsive-ness was tested but then my “That’s how I am!” attitude didn’t help me either. Starting my blog was impulsive, but then it taught me a big lesson. Today I will tell you how.

Sometimes I have so much to write. Sometimes so little. I wondered why. To write isn’t difficult. I thought. Then I rephrased. To think and write is difficult. When I write, I read it again, And again. Before publishing, I try to ensure that I am making sense. That I am not hurting anybody. I control my impulsive-ness. I pay attention to what I am jotting down. I know my words can have far-reaching consequences. So I reflect. It helps. I feel good at the end of it. Life events prompt me to write and in this space of mine, I look back and I see the other person’s perspective. A view that had eluded me all the while. This task is not so easy. But with time, I have realized there is always a second side to the story. Today I weigh pros and cons. I think before I act. I think twice before buying. Recently, I bought a dress. I bought it after I couldn’t get it off my mind a week after seeing it. That is just a small picture. On the larger front, I have stopped being judgmental. I no longer jump to conclusions. Like I always did.

Everybody deserves a chance!

A 100 Truths About Me

I have been blogging for quite some time now and before my visitor count reached the golden figure 1000, I thought why not blog about myself. About me. So here's a random list of 100 truths that I came up with!

WHAT WAS YOUR:

1. Last beverage= Mirinda

2. last phone call = Dad
3. last text message = Divya Seth, a co-intern
4. last song you listened to = Uff teri adaa
5. last time you cried = 15 November

HAVE YOU EVER:

6. dated someone twice = No
7. been cheated on = Yes
8. kissed someone & regretted it = No
9. lost someone special = Yes
10. been depressed = Yes
11. been drunk and threw up = Yes

FIRST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:

12. Purple
13. Green
14. Black

THIS YEAR (2010) HAVE YOU:

15. Made a new friend = Yes
16. Fallen out of love = No

17. Laughed until you cried = Yes
18. Met someone who changed you = No
19. Found out who your true friends were = I've known them for quite some time now :D
20. Found out someone was talking about you = No
21. Kissed anyone on your FB friend's list = Mum, Dad, Brother, Cousins, if that counts!

GENERAL:

22. How many people on your FB friends list do you know in real life = All of them
24. Do you have any pets = No
25. Do you want to change your name = No
26. What did you do for your last birthday = Lunch with friends
27. What time did you wake up today = Around 8 am
28. What were you doing at midnight last night = Sleeping
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for = Going home from college!
30. Last time you saw your Mother = Last night 9.45 pm
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life = I love the way it is!
32. What are you listening to right now = A conversation between two associates at a law firm I am interning in, about a blackberry and its features :p
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom = No
34. What's getting on your nerves right now = Who rather! My room-mate in Delhi

35. Most visited webpage = Besides my own blog...Facebook otherwise. Manupatra at the moment! For those who don't know, Manupatra is a stock of all Indian case laws.
36. Where do you want to be right now? = Shopping with mom.
37. Nicknames = Loya. Mamu. Gola. Rays.
38. Relationship Status = Single
39. Zodiac sign = Taurus
40. Male or female? = Female
41. Elementary = Holy Child Guwahati; MGI Mauritius; Maria's Public School Guwahati
43. High school = Army Public School Narangi
44. Hair color =Black
45. Long or short = Long
46. Height = 5'6"
47. Do you have a crush on someone? = No
48. What do you like about yourself? = I am obsessed with myself.

49. Piercings = 5

50. Tattoos = None

51. Righty or lefty= Righty

FIRSTS :

52. First surgery = Not yet! *Touchwood*

53. First piercing = Ears

54. First best friend = Not in touch now. In kindergarden..Protima was her name, I think!

55. First kiss = ...

56. First vacation = was with family and cousins. Delhi - Manali :D

58. First crush = The boy next door

59. Eating = Desserts

61. I'm about to = start researching for case laws

62. Listening to = Nothing, at the moment.

63. Waiting for = the next family vacation. In December, mostly!

YOUR FUTURE:

64. Want kids? = Yes

66. Career? = Law, mostly!

67. Lips or eyes =Eyes

68. Hugs or kisses = Hugs

69. Shorter or taller= Taller

70. Older or Younger= Older

71. Romantic or spontaneous = Romantic

72. Nice stomach or nice arms = Nice stomach

73. Sensitive or loud = Sensitive

74. Hook-up or relationship = Relationship

75. Trouble maker or hesitant = Hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER :

76. Kissed a stranger = No. Never.

77. Drank hard liquor = Yes

78. Lost glasses/contacts =Many a time

79. *#@*&@# on first date= Never

80. Broken someone's heart = Not intentionally

81. Had your own heart broken = Maybe

82. Been arrested = No

83. Turned someone down = Yes

84. Cried when someone died = Yes

85. Fallen for a friend = No

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

86. Yourself = A lot. Too much!

87. Miracles = Not happened to me. No.

88. Love at first sight= No. It can only be infatuation.

89. Heaven = You pay for your deeds. Yea!

90. Santa Claus = Mum and Dad

91. Kiss on the first date = No

92. Angels = Friends!

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:

93. Had more than one bf/gf?= No

94. Had a crush on someone you don't know? = All the time. The crush is crushed when I get to know the person!

95. Did you sing today? = No

96. Ever cheated on somebody? = Na

97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go, and why? = 1 minute. I don't like living in the past.

98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be? = Hamla times

99. Are you afraid of falling in love with somebody= No

100. Posting this as 100 truths?= Definitely!

Care. Cry. Change.

My mum just sent me a message. I am sharing it with you. It stirred a thought in me. I am sure it will for you too.

"We make them cry who care for us.

We cry for those who never care for us.

And we care for those who will never cry for us.

This is the truth of life, it's strange but true.

Once you realise this it's never too late to change."

Yours truly!

Mothers, boy-friends, etc.

[This post is a work of real life experience and any resemblance to the life of any person, living or dead is purely coincidental...NOT!]

Have you grown up hearing your mum warn you about the boy next door or your classmate or that friend from your tution? Yes! that very friend who you were 'chaddi-buddies' with and who she was so cool with till maybe you turned a teen. A few lectures on how you are now growing up and how your relation with the opposite sex changes. Didn't she frown every time you were on the phone with him for more than 10-15 minutes irrespective of who he was? Terms like 'sex' and 'gender' which you thought were synonyms so long seemed to be not really so in the real world!

Soon, you had guy friends your mum did not know about. All parties you went to prima facie seemed to be all-girl parties. You heard stories of how she was a bad girl as she had a boyfriend. Courtesy your mother. And if you yourself had a boyfriend, you thought to yourself, "Not a big deal. He's just a friend who is a guy!" Otherwise, "Ohhh! I can tell this to my other friends. She has a special friend." Our ideas on who a boyfriend was may not have been clear yet we all had an opinion.

Many of us actually opined that having a boyfriend was not really good. So we either hid the fact or chose not to have one. And. Wait for the right time, as the mums would advise. I know of a few who actually ran away from guys not wanting to disappoint their parents. Funny but true. A fact all of us in our hearts know. It's not just you and me but what maybe many of us have gone through. Forbidden territory, it thus remains!

Years later, once we cross that twenty-four year old mark and mothers become friends, the same question crops again. This time with a different aspect added to it. Marriage! If you were not good (I'd prefer calling smart) enough and you have a boyfriend, good for you else face it. That ordeal of proposals, random exchange of mails, dates. Which remind you of some old Hindi cinema. You curse your mother for having warned you against having a boyfriend. Hyprocrisy at its best, is what you come to believe.

Hyprocrisy or not, I do not know. Maybe it's that extra concern a parent has for their children. Come to think of it, rationally, some day we will turn parents and maybe we will impose the same demands. The other day I heard my sister tell her 6-month old daughter "You're this tiny. You fit into my hands completely. Someday you will grow old, choose someone for yourself and then go away!" My niece may not have understood but I, as the witness of a mother-daughter conversation, understood. The concern, the fear. This is how it must have been with our mothers and this is how it will be the day we all turn mothers. Certain things do not change. This is one of those things!

Hunger

A hunger so immense,

Only the sight of food could effect

a shimmer of hope...

Writtern for Three Word Wednesday, 3ww: effect, immense, shimmer

Left alone on the aisle

[After my first 3ww post last week, I've been really waiting for this one. I've never been so excited for Wednesdays before =P]

We walked together a mile
Before you kept me waiting on the wedding aisle.


On that day, when you did not appear, and the time drew near,
I was instilled with a fear.
Eager faces, heads turned to the door
My father then started to roar;
He wished not to become a ridicule
I prayed hard so that you would turn up on your mule.


In the hall, everybody hissed
My mother then I truly missed;
Her advice I had not paid heed
Maybe that's why I had to pay my deed.


Time passed, guests went,
Left alone, I had my anger to vent;
Tears rolled down my cheeks
And a question that my mind had to pick--
"Would you be able to absolve yourself of the guilt
For having given me hope to believe in the dream world I had built?"

Written for Three Word Wednesday; 3ww: absolve, hiss, ridicule

Thank you, Aankhi

[I asked my friend to write a guest post for my blog and the awesome person that she is, she agreed at one go. She is an extremely good writer. And especially if you want a dose of nice senti stuff, read her blog and you might have tears in your eyes. I love her blog and you will too, I am sure!]

You entered my life
Like a hushed breeze
Blowing gently through the leaves.
At first a stranger, one who laughed without care
who spoke of slight intimacies and general grounds,
who made me feel strangely valued and rare
You became a friend, no longer a stranger,
I trusted you with secrets hidden
Perched you where others were forbidden
We talked and laughed and it took a while
Before suddenly my day, was dependent upon your smile.

We journeyed afar down the path as friends
Avoiding the bumps and cautious bends
And all along this joyous ride
You donned the cap of a proficient guide
You brought me along our course,
To a destination I had never seen
You became my best friend along that journey,
Reached a place in my life where none had ever been.

You guided each stride
In you I could confide
and it wasn't your fault
When it all abruptly came to a halt
Somewhere along our path,
I stumbled and fell
I fell forward, along the path we'd tread.
Oblivious as to where I would now be led
My impetuous plunge further was unguided
My steps were steps you never intended.
The fall was so sudden that even I had no clue
That I had abruptly fallen in love with you .

I've never been sorry for any step we've taken in unison
no, not even for the fall I took alone.
I never knew, before knowing you, how empty my life had been.
I thought I was happy. I thought I was successful.
I didn’t know there’s so much I haven’t seen

I value most the way we talk about anything any time anywhere.
And each time I listen to you, each time I think over what we share
I learn something new. About you. About me. About the world.
I've learned to trust in your instincts.

I love the vitality and zest that is so much a part of you.
I treasure that spark of spirit in you,
that flashing flare of fire that animates all that you do.
It's easy to see how much you love life,
And that urge to beat every strife

I love the way you trust in me, never quite whole hearted,
but always just enough.
That trust started as a small seed, I think,
a tentative whisper of unearned confidence,
often shrouded by a cloak of hesitation and unsurety.
I could always tell when you faltered,
when the steps we took were uncertain and questioned.
And still you trusted me,
with whatever it be
You'll never know how much that trust has meant to me.

I love the way you understand me too well.
It's uncanny sometimes how well you know my thoughts, my feelings, my moods,
frightening at times how closely our lives have become interlinked.
You know so much of me, secrets I've never told,
Parts of what I behold
allowed you to delve
In parts of me I've never seen myself.

I'm not blinded by my love, though, and know you are not perfect.
You are impatient and easy to anger,
too intolerant when you should tolerate,
too forgiving when you shouldn't forgive.
You allow the stresses of life to mould your day,
allow the commitments of life to shape your way.
I know your imperfections as well as your perfections,
know your faults as well as your assets.
And I find I love you not in spite of those,
but as much because of them as anything else.

Your life has touched mine.
My friendship with you, my love for you,
all that you are and aren't,
has transformed my life in ways you cannot fathom,
in ways I could never describe in depth.
The gentle breeze, blowing softly through the leaves,
has worked her wondrous magic,
transforming the one she touched.
I'm not who I was before
I will never be that way again.

In learning to love you, I discovered I've never loved before.
Not truly. Not entirely. Not eternally.
I've spent much of my life in love with love,
searching for the fulfilment of a concept,
caring more for caring than caring for another person.
I confused lust with love, intimacy with affection.
And when those feelings waned, when the relationship died,
I wondered why I felt so empty, so stupefied
You changed that, as you've changed so much more
You taught me how to soar

I wish you knew the me of before,
as you know so well the me of today,
so you could see the difference knowing you has made.
You've changed my life in many a way
in ways small and ways important,
in ways you'll never know nor understand.
The impact you've had on me,
on the way I feel and think and act,
will endure forever. Until the end of time.
Like a quiet breeze blowing softly through the leaves.

-- Aankhi Ghosh October 12, 2010 at 11:10am

Thank you, Aankhi, I fondly call her icy, for sharing your poem :)

Desire

It was a full moon night. He was waiting for her beside the lake. They had not spoken after that night. She silently approached from behind. He turned to face her. The sheen of her satin dress reflected upon his face and his eyes hinted a confusion. She had noticed it. Did he have the same question on mind. Had they confused their lust for love?

Written for Three Word Wednesday; 3ww: hint, lust, sheen

Words

Your one gentle word,
Touches my heart's cords,
It makes me fine
And my whole world falls in line.
When nothing else matters
And my life is in tatters;
A gentle word is all I long...
Am I asking for something wrong?
For you, nothing much it may mean;
But for me a long time it has been
Since the last time I've heard
And felt like a free flying bird!
I don't understand what makes it so hard for you
To say a word so gentle, so true;
Maybe to mean you just don't feel
And that's what makes it such a big deal.

Note to Self

#1. Don't let someone become a priority in your life,

when you are just an option in their life...
Relationships work best when they are balanced.

#2. Never explain yourself to anyone.
Because the person who likes you doesn't need it,
and the person who dislikes you won't believe it.

Courtesy- www.pravsworld.com

I feel

Everyone in this world craves for love,
To love and to be loved.
No one can deny that
And if anyone gets it on a platter,
They won't appreciate it.

Opinion

My mother and I are talking over lunch. A lot of stuff from here and there. Then. *Current topic*. A certain somebody.

My mother says- "Some people have no opinion!"

I say- "Opinion. Everyone does. Some people just compromise with it."

Home sweet Home

It's been quite a lull. Haven't posted for a long time. I was away in college. Been busy. I know that's not a valid excuse. Valid? Excuse? I doubt. I did try a few times. The thought of writing did cross my mind. In fact, quite a few times I did attempt till that evil feeling called laziness crept in. Which sort of explains why I have so many half-written unpublished notes.

While in college, I missed home. Family. Food. My bed. All of it. A week before my prep leave actually started, I was on my flight home. A fortnight before that, I was counting days. Striking off dates on the calendar. Every night, I felt better. Another day gone. For another friend, her day used to end in the afternoon. Reason? She was going to leave for her home-town a day after I left. She convinced herself hard we had equal number of days to go home. Defies logic? True it does! Senseless it may seem but that is exactly what home does to you. Even to supposedly BIG twenty-one year olds!

I left home for college two and a half years ago. I had no problems settling down. Thanks to those wonderful people I met there. I love the place. I love that feeling of being independent. Taking my own decisions. I love my life there. Yet I doubt if I'd ever grow out of that one best place in the world. That which my heart yearns for every now and then. Home.

I'm so glad to be back. :)

Lost and found.

Something I had written long time back for my best friends forever. My true angels.

My Angels

Whether I am happy or I am sad,
Whether I am in a mood that is good or is bad;
You, my Angels, forever beside
I can go on my dream ride.

You wipe my tears,
You drive away all my fears;
You, my Angels, forever strong
Provide all the support for which I long.

In times of joy,
If I am a child, you are my toy!
In times of despair
You are my medicine of repair.

You mean this and a lot more to me
You all are my Angels and will be...
Met you all in different walks of life
Now I wish I was a guy and you all were my wives!

He and She

In life's crossroads, they met. They became friends. Then more than friends. They shared. They cared. They laughed. They cried. All together. He was her world. She was his world. They were young then.

But was this enough? They were stark contrasts. She was all that he was not. He was all that she was not. Different likes. Dislikes. Interests. Their choices were different. Both of them did not like to compromise. They never had. So far. This was the only thing in common.

They grew up. He wanted a happy future. Where they were together, there was love. He dreamt of life in a far-away island. That was enough to secure him. She wanted a secure future. Money, job and all those other things that come with it. That would make her happy.

There was a clash of ideas. Of what they wanted. Dreamt. Aspired for. Would happiness assure a secure future? Or was security enough for a happy future? They did not have one answer; but two. Choices were made again. But different.

They overcame their differences to love each other, to dream of a life together. But that one thing in common came put them apart. Shattered their hopes of a future together. Of life together.

They parted their ways to live their dreams. They are trying to. He found love. She is successful today. Sometimes they both look back. They smile. They remember. They think. Maybe they were just not meant to be together.

A day in my life

Today was another of those random days. In the name of updating my blog, I am sharing it with you. :)


1. I woke up in the morning. Drove 15 kms. I was good at it. I appreciate myself.
2. Pinki's back. I had momos. With that amazing chutney. They are the best in the world.
3. Awesome weather. It's been raining. And for a change, there's no water-logging.
4. I met Risha. She is one of my best friends.
5. I went to the Staff College Campus. The place I lived for 5 years. This is how it looks. On a Rainy Day.

6. I got my learner's license. Now I am a part of the driving club. I can legally drive. Yayyyy!
7. I got to learn something about a certain someone which gives me the third reason on my list of Why I hate that person. I love that feeling.
8. I had mango shake TWICE in the day. If you live with my mother, you'll know why I am putting this down.
9. Rest of the day, either I watched TV or I was online.
10. Now it is 8pm and I'm going to sleep. Early.


Good Night!