Memo

Memo submissions finally done :) What a sigh of relief! Thank you CSD, Lion Saksena and Arjun. Without you all, I really don’t know what we would have done.

I didn’t turn up for my date with Mr. Sleep three times in the past three days. Looks like he is pissed. He seems to have ditched me now. Let me see if I can pacify him and convince him to come back to me again. ;)

Till then,

Much love!

Grey to Pink

Colours mean happiness and joy. Have you noticed that my blog templates have changed from shades of grey to these bright ones? Orange and now, pink. It all reflects my mood. I am loving my life. Happy. Cheerful. I am at peace. With myself, and the world around. All seems to be set in place. This is how I want my life to be!

Blogs!

I read a lot of blogs. A lot of time. Sometimes my search lands me up on blogs unknown. I read. Personal diaries of them it seems! I sense a lot of familiarity in certain cases. I did today. Maybe it is just my quest to know a person. A little more. Most times, it does help. And it did. I see you in a different light all over again.

I don’t like believing I am judgmental. People around do. After today, I am inclined to bend towards the latter. All this because I chanced upon a friend’s blog. I never expected it to be what it was.

Friends don’t disclose secrets. I promise to keep yours. :) I really loved your blog. Continue writing. You’ll always feel lighter!

The first time our eyes met

Strangers in a crowd we stood
For familiar faces, we looked
Our eyes swept through the room
Amidst all the flowers bloom
T’was the first time
I saw you and you saw me
It seemed like it was just meant to be
The foolish grin, the twisted smile
The distance between seemed a mile
We moved through the crowd, our eyes constant
Afraid of losing sight of the other in any instant
“Hi! My name is Bill”
Time, for me, then stood still
Your voice, your eyes, what brought be along
Made me feel this is where I truly belong
We chatted, we talked, till it was four
This conscious, I have never been before
I waited long for your call
When it finally came, I was almost about to fall
This was definitely the best bargain-
“So when shall we meet again?”
Nodding, I smiled sheepishly at the above
Now I am waiting for it to blossom into love…

If you want more love, just ask for it

My facebook status currently reads : “If you want more love, just ask for it.” My friends disagree. They say, it’s either voluntarily given to you or it’s not. If you love someone, why not try and give so much love that he/she does not need to ask for more! They thus agree to disagree with me.

Importance of communication, is all that I am trying to point out. Haven’t we all seen relationships break because of lack of communication? Sometimes, never begin at all? I have heard so many of my friends complain about what they really expect from their special ones. How they fail to understand them. In light of all, is asking for love really that wrong? Isn’t it more like communicating your want, your need? At the least, it won’t keep you wondering.

Just a thought!

You.

Sometimes you want to say a lot and then words just fail you. It happens to me often. This was another of such instances. I was sitting in my Law of Torts class when this urge to write a poem came over me but the sad part is, this is all I managed to write. Class got over and I had to stop and after that one class, every time I’ve tried to write I did not succeed. Maybe the poem was one of those which was never meant to be complete. Just like you and me...

Words no longer come easy to me,
Clueless whether to let go or to let it be.
Thick as thieves we used to be once,
Till, too far, you decided to bounce.
Promised to myself I’d let you leave;
Through my feelings, I tried to deceive.
Those words at the time we had to part,
Time and again echoes in my heart.
...................................................
.........................................

A Realisation

I heard my mom tell me as I grow up. Life teaches. Life has. I have learnt a lot. Some good experiences. Others a little bad. As I posted earlier, in the whole journey I have changed from what I used to be to what I am.

Today was another day of realisation. A simple conversation to start. We were just discussing birthdays. Realisation one. I couldn’t remember dates. Then, the topic changed. *Current topic* Phone numbers. I am ashamed but it again dawned on me that I neither know my dad’s number nor my brother’s. Forget that, I do not remember anybody’s number taken post 2009. *A little later* My roommate talks about something which she had apparently already told me earlier. I do not remember it yet again. All of this and more in an hour.

It made me think. Introspect. Why? I am, rather was a person who wished everybody on their birthdays without fail, no matter how close or distant he or she was. I took pride in knowing everybody’s phone number by heart. I would remember the slightest of things. This was not me. As I was before.

I had changed. A great deal at that. Good or bad? I still don’t know. I have become indifferent. I have stopped getting involved. It doesn’t matter to me any longer what people say or do. It hurts sometimes. But then I forget about it.

It all started with my attempt to be strong. To forget people’s misdeeds. To not read too much into situations. I wanted to have an independent existence. In my quest today I have reached a stage where I have achieved it all. What I had set for myself. I am happy. But incidents like today make me ponder if I am in the right direction. I am questioning this now. But soon I shall forget about it. Like I have earlier.

Yours truly!

Making Space

Someone just asked me, "Do you still believe in love?” And I answered without missing a beat, “Yes I do”. The question keeps popping up all the time. Why is it assumed that someone who has had a break-up has to be a non-believer?

I have had a rather unhappy love story, having loved a guy for a better part of college life, which ultimately ended in total chaos,misery and tears. I went through my share of crying and moping and questioning “why me?” Getting over him wasn’t something that happened in a day. It was a slow healing process, during the course of which I learnt many things,most of them about myself. Sometimes I almost gave up, but now I think it was all worth the effort.

He and I had a love story straight out of fairytale books. I have always been a free spirit, wild and rebellious,while he was a quiet kind of guy who kept to himself. In the beginning it was this that attracted us to each other,but over time it became the source of frequent fights. Soon it was apparent I was holding onto someone who was not who I thought he was. The day he said he wanted to break up with me and never see me again, I was shattered. I had somehow assumed that we would get over the fights always.

After we broke up, I went through days of hating him,hating life,wishing I could just disappear from the face of this earth and not face the ordeal of rejection. And then it struck me that even hating him meant that he existed in my mind and in my heart. I had to do away with that first.

It wasn’t easy. I had terrible mood swings- one day I hated him so much that I never wanted to see him again, on other days I was on an unnatural high,laughing and joking with friends as if nothing had happened. Like a cancer patient , I had my good days and bad days. And then came the learning that did away with my bad days completely.

To be honest, even after he had decided to call it off, I tried to talk to him, insisted that we would work things out. Every new rejection brought fresh pain. Finally the day arrived when I realised that I had done all I could, that there was no more I could try.

I teach little children on weekends,and it is from them that I learnt one of the biggest lessons of my life. Kids have a simple view of life,making us adults seem silly,unnecessarily cluttering life with things that we should really move on from. One day, one of the children saw that I was a little sad and asked me what was wrong. I answered saying that my best friend had moved away. He came over , gave me a hug and told me I could have his.

I knew to have a new best friend, I had to vaccuum out the dust and make way for him. I turned towards blogging. I wrote about my experiences and many came forward sharing their own. We became support systems for each other,because we knew what the other person was going through. I found some of my closest friends online. My real life friends were just as fantastic,calling me up often,hugging me out of the blue and making sure I was doing well.

And with those realisations my spring cleaning began. I put away his memories in a box, literally. All the old cards and pictures were wrapped up and put in the attic. Old messages were deleted from the phone,and songs about heart break were gone from the phone. One of the silliest things, but one that I am most proud of,was sticking up a tiny yellow post-it,on which I wrote a quote I had read long ago, “tough times dont last, tough people do”. I put it on my desk, where, long ago, a framed picture of me and my boyfriend used to be. Everyday I read the note, a little part of me healed itself. I knew I was going to be okay.

And do I still believe in love? Yes, very much so. I believe someday someone will happen to come along, of course he will not be perfect, neither am I - but he will be perfect for me and I for him.

Pot-pourri of my thoughts

Yesterday my friend told me that I hadn’t written for long. No posts at all this year, apparently. A simple passing remark for her, maybe but it made me think. People notice. It’s always a nice feeling when you know there’s somebody reading what you write. Criticism for me is a form of appreciation. I got my pen and paper and decided I had to write. I was running out of ideas. Nothing much happening in my life. No great new year resolutions either. So chewing my pen, deciding what to write. I sat. A thought would appear but before I could shape it into words, it would simply disappear. I was struggling to write. A writer’s block, as I’d love to call it. I sat till 0230 hours in search of some imagination. Some topic. Some feeling. Anything that could get me to write. I sat online and I ended up facebook’ing. Finally sleeping over my laptop and books.

Today is a Sunday. Sundays, for me, are always special. I go to a Remand Home to teach English to the kids there. It’s been three years now. But everyday is a new day.It always feels like a fresh rejuvenating start. The energy the kids have, their affection, their unconditional love. There have been days when the worst of days have been changed into the best days by them. Their smiles. You always mean a world to them. It’s nice to be special in someone’s lives. And i am one in theirs. They in mine.

My kids, as I am proud to call them, asked me the meaning of the word change in class today. A simple word, I explained. A caterpillar changes into the butterfly. They understood. The literal meaning. Change, in life, has a deeper meaning. I thought to myself .

Change is the only thing constant in your life. I heard people say. First, when I had to change schools in my ninth grade, then again in my tenth and once more after my twelfth when I had to come to this city miles away from home leaving family and friends behind.I always wondered if change was that essential. If yes, why so? I failed to comprehend it all myself. I took it as a part of life and never questioned. In fact, I don’t question too much. Not in class. Not outside. I am not rebellious. I take whatever comes my way. (Don’t take my non-questioning behaviour as my timidity or you are in to commit a mistake!)

A few years in this city all by myself and I have realised what people around me could not explain. Rather what I could not understand. Change is essential. It is good. Happens with time. For a reason. Like today I changed my blog template. It’s not that I didn’t like the old one. But to infuse freshness. To avoid it from becoming stale. That was the reason. It happened with time. I like the new one now.

From dusk to dawn, the sun changes its colours. Seasons change. Within a span of years, the skyline of your city changes. (Mine has!) People around you change. sometimes you change in return too. Change is all around. The newest thing I’ve heard is the change in the Zodiac signs. I grew up believing I am a Taurean. A true one. Stubborn. Obstinate. Today I hear I am an Aries. Maybe I will accept that too. Change my Sunsign.

As I enter the new year 2011, I am sure for a fact, I am not the same person I was in 2010. I had made some decisions then to change. Changed? I have. This is a new me. In a new year. To discover new things. I hated change so long. I’ve started loving it now.

PS. 1: I hope you have all put in a lot of changes in your new year resolutions!

PS. 2: This is for all of you who were waiting for my new post. You guys keep me blogging! Thanks a ton.