Making Space

Someone just asked me, "Do you still believe in love?” And I answered without missing a beat, “Yes I do”. The question keeps popping up all the time. Why is it assumed that someone who has had a break-up has to be a non-believer?

I have had a rather unhappy love story, having loved a guy for a better part of college life, which ultimately ended in total chaos,misery and tears. I went through my share of crying and moping and questioning “why me?” Getting over him wasn’t something that happened in a day. It was a slow healing process, during the course of which I learnt many things,most of them about myself. Sometimes I almost gave up, but now I think it was all worth the effort.

He and I had a love story straight out of fairytale books. I have always been a free spirit, wild and rebellious,while he was a quiet kind of guy who kept to himself. In the beginning it was this that attracted us to each other,but over time it became the source of frequent fights. Soon it was apparent I was holding onto someone who was not who I thought he was. The day he said he wanted to break up with me and never see me again, I was shattered. I had somehow assumed that we would get over the fights always.

After we broke up, I went through days of hating him,hating life,wishing I could just disappear from the face of this earth and not face the ordeal of rejection. And then it struck me that even hating him meant that he existed in my mind and in my heart. I had to do away with that first.

It wasn’t easy. I had terrible mood swings- one day I hated him so much that I never wanted to see him again, on other days I was on an unnatural high,laughing and joking with friends as if nothing had happened. Like a cancer patient , I had my good days and bad days. And then came the learning that did away with my bad days completely.

To be honest, even after he had decided to call it off, I tried to talk to him, insisted that we would work things out. Every new rejection brought fresh pain. Finally the day arrived when I realised that I had done all I could, that there was no more I could try.

I teach little children on weekends,and it is from them that I learnt one of the biggest lessons of my life. Kids have a simple view of life,making us adults seem silly,unnecessarily cluttering life with things that we should really move on from. One day, one of the children saw that I was a little sad and asked me what was wrong. I answered saying that my best friend had moved away. He came over , gave me a hug and told me I could have his.

I knew to have a new best friend, I had to vaccuum out the dust and make way for him. I turned towards blogging. I wrote about my experiences and many came forward sharing their own. We became support systems for each other,because we knew what the other person was going through. I found some of my closest friends online. My real life friends were just as fantastic,calling me up often,hugging me out of the blue and making sure I was doing well.

And with those realisations my spring cleaning began. I put away his memories in a box, literally. All the old cards and pictures were wrapped up and put in the attic. Old messages were deleted from the phone,and songs about heart break were gone from the phone. One of the silliest things, but one that I am most proud of,was sticking up a tiny yellow post-it,on which I wrote a quote I had read long ago, “tough times dont last, tough people do”. I put it on my desk, where, long ago, a framed picture of me and my boyfriend used to be. Everyday I read the note, a little part of me healed itself. I knew I was going to be okay.

And do I still believe in love? Yes, very much so. I believe someday someone will happen to come along, of course he will not be perfect, neither am I - but he will be perfect for me and I for him.